


been a long, lonely december

by koganewest



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: 2012, 2012!Phan, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Crying, December - Freeform, Drinking, Hurt!Dan, Kinda happy ending?, M/M, Sad, Songfic, cold!phan, drunk!dan, hurt!phil, its pretty sad tbh, neck deep - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-09
Updated: 2018-02-09
Packaged: 2019-03-14 13:06:22
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,859
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13590654
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/koganewest/pseuds/koganewest
Summary: 2012 is a detrimental year for the two.





	been a long, lonely december

**Author's Note:**

> i kinda hate this but its the most angsty thing ive ever written  
> songfic for [ december by neck deep ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8NnQs3EtoqU)  
> lyrics are italicized, as is a large portion of flashback

_Stumbled around the block a thousand times_  
_You missed every call that I had tried_  
_So now I'm giving up_

The door slammed shut, its melancholy echo resonating in the new London flat. Phil remained standing in the hallway as he watched the person he loved most walk out of his life. 

This routine was starting to become a habit. Over and over, events played out the same. Phil was at his breaking point, yet everything was beginning to feel numb. They should've expected this downfall, but everything had been too perfect to even imagine what they had come to. 

_A heartbreak in mid-December  
You don't give a fuck_

When Phil thought about it, it really was Dan's fault. A few months after he dropped out of college, after the initial happiness had worn off, he began to stay in his room more often. He became distant. There were days he didn't even get out of bed. Phil thought that maybe he was just enjoying his free time, but when he checked on him, he didn't seem to be enjoying anything. 

If Phil tried to confront him, Dan would become angry and snap at him. That was when Phil began to blame himself. Even when he expressed this to his boyfriend – who didn’t seem to be his boyfriend anymore – Dan would only sigh or mumble a halfhearted assurance. 

This ruinous behavior continued through the summer until Dan changed again. He became clingy and stuck by Phil's side constantly, apologizing relentlessly for being cruel and not showing concern for Phil. This only made Phil feel worse, since it seemed that all Dan did was be upset. He held the younger close and made sure he did everything he could. 

But Phil quickly learned his everything wasn't enough to keep Dan happy. 

By the time October had nearly finished, Dan went through another phase - the most detrimental to both boys. Dan started to leave the house again, mostly at night. He wouldn't ever let Phil go with him, though it worried the elder every night that maybe he just wouldn't come back. He always did though, smelling of cheap alcohol and sex. 

_You never remember me_  
_While you're pulling on his jeans_  
_Getting lost in the big city_

That was when Phil hurt the most. More than the emptiness, more than the sadness. Dan was willingly cheating on him. Phil knew they were having trouble but he never thought Dan would do such a thing, since he would never even consider doing that to Dan, the love of his life. 

Phil had been sulking through the newest episode of his and Dan's favorite anime when the door slammed shut. The next thing he knew, he heard heavy and uncertain steps in their hallway. He immediately stood to face his boyfriend(?) stumbling through their hallway with tears down his cheeks.

Phil wasn’t really sure how to make him feel better, but he pulled him into his bedroom. Neither boy said anything as Phil removed Dan’s dirty clothes and helped him into pajamas, brought him under the covers of his bed. But Dan wasn’t ready to let go, and pulled Phil down to kiss him, the first in a long time. 

Phil hadn’t been expecting anything like that, but he wasn’t going to pull away. If he was what Dan needed, he wasn’t about to deny him of it. Maybe he could make him happy again. Maybe he could get the boy he loved back, get his relationship back. 

_I was looking out our window_  
_Watching all the cars go_  
_Wondering if I'll see Chicago_  
_Or a sunset on the west coast_

But nothing changed. They slept together night after night, making slow love while Dan drunkenly complains after he came home from the bar. Phil never told him how much it meant to him or how bad it hurt. He felt used but he let Dan continue. Because what if he didn’t? He was worried for Dan’s health, physical and mental. 

However, November ended with fight after fight. Dan stopped going out when Phil finally dug up the courage to ask him to stop. He was glad Dan listened to him. He was also glad to put an end to their sex because Phil was beginning to lose it. He’d heard the saying “everyone loves you when they’re about to come,” but he’d never understood how much pain it could inflict upon a person. Phil thought that maybe he meant it, but when he woke up cold and alone each morning, he started to doubt that. Maybe the only thing he was good for was sex. He couldn’t ever be truly loved. He used to think Dan loved him, but that could no longer be true. Treating someone the way Dan had treated Phil was certainly not love. 

_Or will I die in the cold  
Feeling blue and alone_

And here they were in the present, and Dan was gone again. This time it felt permanent. There was something different about the most recent fight that had Phil convinced he’d never come back. Maybe that was better for the both of them. Phil had never known what initiated the start of Dan’s change in behavior, but he knew he couldn’t just sit by anymore and take it. It was hurtful to him too. Since Dan couldn’t understand that – or didn’t care to – maybe they were better off alone. 

Yet Phil did hope for the best for Dan. He loved the boy with all his heart and wanted him to be happy. Phil wished it could be with him, but he would not hesitate to make that happen even if they weren’t together. 

_I hope you get your ballroom floor,  
Your perfect house with rose red doors_

Phil wasn’t quite sure what had got him into thinking this was so permanent. Dan hadn’t been himself in nearly ten months, and he certainly couldn’t take much more. When they were together, they were fighting and when they weren’t, they were avoiding each other. Phil couldn’t bear to look the boy in the eye; not after he’d seen him miserable and crying, or moaning and panting beneath him. It hurt too much.

It hurt way too much.

They weren’t supposed to do this to each other. They were best friends before anything, but Dan kept inflicting pain on Phil. 

_I wish I'd known that less is more_  
_But I was passed out on the floor_  
_That's the last thing I remember_  
_It's been a long lonely December_

Dan didn’t come home that night. Or the night after that. Or the night after that.

Phil should’ve expected it, but in the back of his mind, he had always hoped Dan would come running back into his arms and make him feel like he was on top of the world again. But that didn’t happen.

One morning, about two weeks after Dan had disappeared, Phil woke to the house being emptier than usual. He stumbled out of the living room, simply because he couldn’t tolerate how alone he felt in his own bed, where Dan had once laid beside him.

And he stood in the living room and took everything in, every memory, good and bad, of him and Dan. He smiled. And cried.

_Cast me aside to show yourself in a better light  
I came out grieving, barely breathing and you came out alright_

Phil was a grown man. He’d grown up his whole life being told that it wasn’t okay to show emotion, but he learned otherwise after moving in with Dan.  
He remembered all the times Dan had confided in him, when he was at his rock bottom, his own personal hell. He remembered Dan’s university days. He remembered Dan’s breaking point.

+  
_Dan had fallen asleep on his books again, Phil noticed as he walked into the living room. It was nearing the early hours of the morning, and Dan was drained. University had proven to be so much more difficult for him recently, and it was taking a toll on his strength. He wasn’t too optimistic to begin with, but he was even worse considering there was no end in sight._

_Phil tried to be there as much as he could, but it was difficult to do when Dan wouldn’t open up to him anymore._

_He glanced over at the boy on the couch. He was settled into his sofa crease, book in his lap and head resting on his right hand. His hair was messy and curly but in Phil’s favorite way – natural. He looked impossibly younger as he slept soundly, yet a frown remained on his lips as if he could feel the weight of the world even in his slumber._

_And Phil wanted to kiss the frown right off his lips, soft and gentle and with love, but he knew if he did, Dan would wake and become bitter with exhaustion – besides the fact it was out of bounds to them. Avoiding conflict, Phil picked him up from the couch carefully._

_He wasn’t sure how he was able to carry him, considering Dan was a grown man, but after so many night ending the same way Phil figured he just built up the strength over time. Somehow his immunity to physical burden can’t even begin to protect him from the weight and pressure on him with Dan recently._

_When they reach Dan’s bedroom, Phil gently places him down and draws the covers up over him. Dan turns and open his eyes, just barely, and mumbles something incomprehensible before attempting to get out of bed again. But Phil just hushed him and gently moved Dan in order to make room for himself in the bed._

_“I was just resting a little,” Dan mumbles, and it’s the same as always – reluctant and disappointed in himself. “I need to study or I’m going to fail.”_

_“You need sleep more. It’ll help, I promise.”_

_And Dan just sighs and rolls over, as far away from Phil as he can possibly get. Phil has to shut his eyes to block the stinging, because he knows what that means; he can read Dan easily._

_And it means Dan is shutting him out again after what seemed to be a decent night, free of fighting. It means Dan doesn’t trust his promise just like he doesn’t trust the praise Phil gives him._

_And as much as Phil knows Dan doesn’t want to, nothing stops him from closing the gap in between them by moving closer and taking Dan’s hand in his. And that’s when Dan breaks again. Every night, like routine, like clockwork, Dan falls apart. He falls under the weight of university, of his persistent family, of his own thoughts. He falls under the weight of Phil’s hand in his because he can’t even support his own weight, let alone the expectations of another._

_Phil’s learned to stop asking, he learned to expect a snappy remark or shouting from the younger boy lying beside him if asked. But Phil never learned how to deal with the aching feeling in his chest every time he heard Dan take another shaky breath._

_Another kiss, another sigh, another inch apart, another rip in heart, another tear, or two, or three. And breathe.  
\---_

_Phil wakes after what seems like ages later but what the clock declares as only three hours later. It’s nearly five A.M. and Phil feels exhausted. He hears Dan pacing in what he perceives to be the lounge, groaning and shuffling papers. Knowing he shouldn’t be up so early, he slowly gets up and saunters into the lounge._

_It was never a good idea to bother Dan when he was in a bad mood, but Phil knew it was even worse to leave him alone with his self-deprecating moods. He enters to find his flatmate pacing with a stack of ruffled, unorganized papers in his hands. His grip was so tight that he shook with what Phil perceived as anxiety._

_“Dan…” Phil approached gently, cautiously, in case Dan was overly frustrated and decided to take it out on him. “You’re not going to be able to function today if you don’t get to bed.”_

_In response Dan just glares in his direction before turning back to his papers and clearly trying to get rid of Phil by negative body language. But the elder knows him all too well, knows that Dan is not particularly mad at him but mad at himself. So he sighs and sits beside Dan. “Please, you’re only hurting your health. You’ll get sick and then you can’t-“_

_“Shut up!” Dan interrupts, loud enough to know that they’ll probably be getting complaints from the neighbors. “Just shut the hell up, Phil! You aren’t helping me by reprimanding me. You can’t give me a bedtime or carry me off to bed and cuddle with me. It doesn’t help. I’m not a child!”_

_“Then stop acting like one!” Phil’s retaliation is quick and defensive and he’s hurt. Dan can tell; Phil doesn’t yell often. “You can’t keep treating me like crap and pushing me aside when I’m just trying to help!”_

_“Maybe you should stop trying then, if I’m such a lost cause to you.”_

_“Maybe I will, if you don’t need me at all!” And that was where it ended, Phil with the last scream resonating through the air. The fight ended as quickly as it started._

_It incited Dan’s breakdown, his surrender, his collapse._  
+

But that had been months ago.

Now, Dan was nowhere to be found. He seemed to have dropped off the face of the earth for a full two weeks. Phil hadn’t exactly searched for him either.

He was hoping Dan would realize his mistake and come back on his own, apologizing for shutting Phil out, then for thrusting his whole life in Phil’s weary hands, then for disappearing with the night, then for fucking him and ignoring his feelings. Two weeks of waiting in limbo had passed. Maybe Dan was dead. Maybe they were better off alone.

But today was October 19th. What was Dan doing? Phil was crying. 

_My mistakes were not intentions this is a list of my confessions I couldn't say_  
_Pain is never permanent but tonight it's killing me  
_ ______ 

Dan was as quiet as he could be. He was lucky to have found his key in the pocket of his worn out jeans, and was as silent as he unlocked the door into their flat. 

Everything was dark but a light filtering from Dan’s old room. He didn’t hear a single sound. Dan stepped through the mess that was their flat, through the dirty clothes and dishes. Phil wasn’t the cleanest person, but their home looked like ruins. 

He followed the light he saw into his own room. His stuff is left exactly how he had it, yet his black and white duvet is lumped in the middle, steadily moving up and down, as if it was breathing. He prays it isn't what he thinks it is. And Dan, walking closer, confirms that something, or someone, is below and asleep. He pulled the cover aside to find what he had hoped he wouldn’t find.

_I miss your face, you're in my head  
There's so many things that I should have said_

Phil laid curled in a ball with Dan’s red uni sweatshirt clutched tightly to his chest. Beside him was a pile of tissues, his lion plushie, and a few pictures. One of the two of them on the day they first met, smiling so hard Dan remembers his cheeks physically hurting. Another of them curled up on the couch in their hotel room in Jamaica. The last of them in their BBC studio, dressed in hideous christmas sweaters. Dan loved it the most because it was purely candid; they were filming and the two had been gazing gently at each other. 

Dan’s head hurt. It was his fault that Phil spent October 19th, usually their favorite day of the year, absolutely miserable. And not to mention he had ruined the past year for himself and, more importantly, Phil. Dan knew needed to at least attempt to fix things; he owed it to Phil. Yet instead of a grand gesture, a fanfare that Phil most definitely deserved, he cleared the bed of their personal items, and he tucked himself in. 

_A year of suffering, a lesson learned._

And Phil started to stir as he felt the bed dip beside him. His eyes opened slowly; Dan’s heart rate increased. And all despite his worries, Phil smiled and curled himself up to Dan’s chest and sighed happily. Dan began to apologize, “look, Phil, I-”

“No,” he mumbled sleepily, “don’t wanna talk about it now.” 

So they didn’t.

Dan knew the conversation awaited him. He couldn't lie and say he didn't dread it. But he knew it needed to happen, that he owed Phil an explanation. But for the moment, everything seemed like it'd be okay as Phil wrapped himself around Dan and sighed contently.

_That's the last thing I remember_  
_It's been a long lonely December_

**Author's Note:**

> well i didnt know what to do with this so im putting it here? hope you enjoyed lol  
> ~lily


End file.
